So apparently there are no graphic design classes at my campus this semester or online. What am I going to do… I guess I have to take ‘core’ classes. Ugh! Working on stuff for best friend in whole world wedding a year from now, hoping to make invites for her. Have awesome idea in my head. Wish me luck putting it on ‘paper’.
Deamon
For those who don’t know I have Crohns disease, some might ask what is Crohns Disease?
Quote from Wikapedia-
Crohn’s disease is a type of inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) that may affect any part of the gastrointestinal tract from mouth to anus.
Sounds fun right?
Finding out was hard. I had felt really sick and had started missing lots of work days from throwing up. I went to the doctor and after stomach bugs, stomach flu’s and then maybe stress or anxiety related they sent me to a GI (Gastroenterologist). My right side had been really hurting as well, so he thought I might have something wrong with my gallbladder.
We decided to go in for a colonoscopy and a endoscopy. In basic terms it is where they put tubes down you throat and up your bottom to check how you system is working. They didn’t see anything to crazy so we came to the conclusion that it must be my gallbladder so therefore we had it removed.
Once we had it removed things got a little bit better, the doctors thought maybe my throwing up, diarrhea and constipation had something to do with my anxiety or stress so we up’ed those medications but, it didn’t stop! After a year I still felt like I was in this nightmare, granted I had some good days, but then I had really bad days too. It was then my doctor decided to try a new regime of medication that is usually proscribed to people with Crohns Disease. A week after the shot I started feeling better and it was amazing!
It was then we came to the conclusion that I did have Crohns Disease and now I get a monthly injection by the doctor, reason I have to go to the doctor is because my blood and body hate me, making me produce more antibodies then I need and a red blood count through the room. Which just means I need more medication and blood work sometimes. It’s a drag and sometimes hard. If not my own bodies reactions toward the the hurtful things people say and act around you.
A lot of people don’t really understand Crohns Disease or how it works, and a lot of people keep it under hush hush. I mean who wants to talk about throwing up, or there bowel movements. Which at this point I’m not shy about! I’m a bigger girl so comments like ‘how can you have Crohn’s if you are fat,’ are just some of the things that I hear but major weight loss on a big person is harder to tell then on someone super skinny, and a lot of the medications make you gain weight because most Crohn’s people are you’re stereotypical skinny people.
It can be hard but, I found really awesome Youtube video of this guy and explaining his story for Crohn’s. I wish it was more known and out there and people were more understand! It will one day for now stay positive!
Crohn’s Disease !!!!
<3 – Deamon
Dear Myself,
You’re beautiful. You have the most beautiful eyes that change all different shades of blue, with small specks of yellow near the iris. Your skin is soft and pale. Your hair is long and a blonde most people would die to have. Your hands are warm and do great things. Your shoulders are proud and your body is shaped like a pear. You have beautiful scars from surgeries long past that remind you of the healing hands that fixed you.
You are creative. Always working on ideas, you try even if you don’t succeed, even if people don’t believe in you, even if you quit. It’s okay to quit. Its okay to feel like you will never be enough, told you will never do enough, never try enough, too scatterbrained, to lost in your own world but, your not! You are creative and although it might take you more time to get there you will but, you have to believe in yourself!
You have the right to like what you like, even if no one understands why you like it. The things you have created or designed are beautiful and you should show them off! Although, some people might not understand, might not be supportive, and might have written you off, don’t listen to them, because you are not made to please them! Those pictures, images and all the things you have created are not for them.
You’re beautiful. Even as the people closest to you use comments like “you are pretty, but you would be even prettier if you were smaller,” or, “I just do it because I worry about your health.” Even if someone close to you comments on your fat, telling you, you will never be loved. Even when family members offer you money to lose weight and even when they give you weight loss pills for Christmas. You’re beautiful!
You do not need to be smaller to be pretty, you do not need to be smaller to be healthy. You are funny, kind and creative. You are not the voices that whisper behind you in the shopping mall or the comments from family and friends at gatherings. You are not the girl that was held up to a mirror and told that you would only be accepted if you were skinny. That you will only get a good job if you are skinny!
You are beautiful with whatever size you are! Forget the voices, forget the people judging from the sidelines about a life that is not their own. Accept yourself for who you are, and it will be hard! Learn your body, your curves and be happy with you. You are not made to please anyone else but yourself. So what if they think you are ugly, disgusting, or fat. You be happy with you because you are beautiful and all those people can fuck off! If they can’t accept you for who you are, what you look like, how you act then they don’t need to be in your life!
You are loved by so many people even when they say hateful things of ‘helpful’ things. You are loved by friends and family. You are loved more then you know and although sometimes you feel you are all alone, that no one understands, you are still loved.
You have a beautiful smile. You lack in confidence, you look in the mirror and all you see is this ugly thing! You avoid them and look away and you find your own self-disgusting, the comments and memories come flooding by but, don’t let them! You are not their words, and just as a child when we learn ‘people say hateful things about others to make themselves feel better’ remember that. Remember behind those hateful words lies someone who is full of her own self-worth. That those words are only there to make him/her feel better, or in some way to motivate you. Do not let those words hurt you! Do not let those words have power over you!
Accept who you are for who are, and don’t live up to anybody’s vision of you but your own. This is your life and you have the right to be selfish about it! You only get one and use it the way you want to not anyone else. So accept you for you! Don’t worry about what other people think! It will take work and time but, brush those comments away and you will find what you are looking for.
Don’t worry about how big you are, what is pretty, and what is not. What is on the latest magazine cover, wear what you are comfortable wearing, wear what makes you pretty and what makes YOU happy. Remove yourself from hateful people, and put yourself around the people that will love you no matter what. That accept you for who you are.
You’re beautiful In every single way!
Love,
Joanna
Today I had a interesting thought go through me. I went to go visit my Best Friend for her Birthday recently and it got me thinking. My Best Friend is in a sorority and goes to college. I’m so proud of her she’s close to graduating in December. I know she doesn’t know this, but she has really been my role model, to get back into school and just get this done. To pick something at least finish it before starting a new something.
Anyway, that isn’t really what this is about. Just hanging out with them, I could see how much I had grown in the last few years. Granted I was never one of those people that partied, drank or did much social group activities. Unless you count working at the United Campus Ministries.
It made me think though, if I could go back in time knowing what I know now would I do it. Things I wish I had done at least once, like move into a dorm room. Live, eat and breath on campus. Be more close to people. I guess I, wish I had stayed younger and not forced myself to grow up like I did.
But, while thinking of all these things, one big road block came before me something that if I went back, if I had tried my luck at living in the dorms being considered a “normal” college student I would be missing the best thing that ever happened in my life.
My Dog.
I loved him from the moment I saw him. It was kind of a spare of the moment thing, I think all those big decisions are though. I read a classified ad in the news paper. My roommate at the time had the same breed as Spencer. I had baby sat her dog a few times and knew right away I wanted a wennie dog.
There was a breeder not to far from where I was staying that they had a dog for sale. The dog had been given to them and they estimate he was about a year old, he was not, I went and saw him and my heart melted. I got him fixed got all his shots and he was mine. My little Spencer.
Throughout the years he has been my little companion, my best friend. Some might disagree with the way I raise him. The way I see things fit for us. That is there opinions though. He is the best dog. So going back and thinking about all the hardships I went through, or even having a chance to change any of that. I would do it all the same, if I kept my dog.
So here we are. Almost 7 years later. I still I wouldn’t trade the world for this dog. That might make me stupid, but its my life.
Today, which depending on when I post this, was an amazing day! I guess I had never thought of it before or really how much it meant to me. Today when a friend told me go look at the news. A rush of emotion just went over me and I didn’t know what to say or do. I knew this month they were deciding if gay marriage would be legalized or not. I didn’t want to get my hopes up for it, cause you never know. I said a little prayer and crossed my fingers and toes but, I didn’t know. To see on CNN that gay marriage was legalized in all 50 states… I started balling!!!
I wore a smile for the rest of the day and today will be a day I tell my children, if I have any, or the nephews and nieces. A day where love won! I hope within the next generations lesbian and gay marriage is just considered normal. To have two mommies and/or two daddies is just like seeing a mommy and a daddy in todays society. I want the same reaction that I give toward all the other horrible inequalities that we’ve had over the years to be frowned on by our future generations.
For those who don’t know, this isn’t all about marriage and I’m going to go over some of the things that happen passing this.
1. Immigration
This has been a some what personal thing with me. I have two best friends that I love dearly. They have fought to get one of them from England but, they are considered a ‘gay’ couple. Now with this new law they will finally be able to be together after more than 9 years together trying to balance a long term relationship. Granted it will still be a process but, the fact that they can be married…! Make me want to cry again!
2. Taxes and Social Security
This might sound stupid but, it really is a big thing. To be able to do your taxes with your partner just like any other married couple does it an amazing step forward. I’m not all knowledgeable on taxes but, I can imagine for some this will be a great relief or just a great step forward in their lives coming into one.
3. Children
I have a few friends that are gay and have children. It is harder for them because, for example they couldn’t get married. So they decided to adopt there children separately. One had one child and the other had another. They are both the parents to these children but, legally they had no custody of the other. This is the most amazing part. They can get married and adopt the other child in turn LEGALLY be their child!!! This also goes for some sadness though, if there was a thing of divorce the other would be required to pay child support and other just common things that would happen through a divorce.
Those are just a few of the highlighted points. I am so happy that America has finally took this step forward and a good step. It shows the world Love truly Wins!!! We can’t stop fighting though! Till gay marriage is accepted everywhere on this earth we have to keep our march going forward!
There are still things going on. In my home town of Tom Green Country. A very religious southern county in West Texas the Judges have refused marriage licenses to Gay and Straight people today. They are saying it is because they don’t have the right paperwork, but also if the judge has a religious belief against the union of gay couples if they are required to preform a ceremony. This is sad to see!!! I do know that this will happen especially in states that were opposed to gay marriage to begin with but, love wins!
For more information on the Tom Green case check out this link —>Tom Green County Gay Marriage
Love Wins!!!
-Deamon
I saw this video today and it really explained a lot of the feelings that I had before coming to the conclusion that I was in fact a lesbian. Some people might find it easier to know this some harder. For me I found it hard. I never grew up in the most religious of houses, at least not till my teenage years. For the sake of my parents did I move toward it. I’ve always been a very open person and so I did give it a try. During my teen years I had feelings for a lot of girls… I looked at girls even came out to my friends as ‘bisexual’ cause in most of there minds that wasn’t ‘all that bad.’ I lived in a small town around a few people and thinking back on it… I mostly hung around gay guys and girls my junior senior year, I felt they, at that point in my life, understood.
During this time I dated a few guys. I even quote on quote ‘fell in love’ with one of them and it hurt when he dumped me. The things was the whole relationship I felt odd. Granted I didn’t mind the kisses, the hugs, the attention. It came to a point that I didn’t want to have sex with him. He never understood that and to be honest neither did I. I had put it aside as maybe it was just my good ‘Christian’ upbringing but, the feelings never went away… I found myself looking at more girls then guys. At this time I felt it was wrong.
I proceeded to date other guys as I entered my college years. Even entered not so good relationships, and one very abusive one. I thankfully got away from it. It wasn’t till I was about 22 years old and my boy friend at the time came to me. He sat next to me hug me tight and said, “Deamon, you’re gay…” to which I gave the backward response of, “I’m bi…?” there was a question mark there.
It was never that I didn’t love him, cause I do and even to this day he is the best roommate in the world. Yes, I do live with him in my own room. At the same time though it became a critical moment in my life. A moment that I had to sit out and really think on things. Did I really like guys? did I see a future with a man? I went to friends weddings, saw friends starting to get married have kids. Was I going to be happy with that? For a long time since I was 12, I’d been struggling over and over with the question, am I gay?
Then it hit me, and it hit me hard and I came to realize one day that I was. I didn’t see a future with a guy, I was not physically attached to guys in a sexual way. Granted I still had many guy close friends, friends I consider my best friend I came to realize very quickly following this enlightenment I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with a male but a female. It was like a load of weight went off my shoulders at this. It was like I had finally gone over this huge leap in my life and finally expressed what I was.
Granted as I’ve said in other post, I am not all about the running out of the closet screaming I am gay. I have told family members and I have a feeling many of them think it is a ‘phase’ but at 25 I know it is not. You can argue if you want with me but the many many years of debating my own self, debating my own actions is proof enough to me that I am very gay.
So this is my story, a little story about I guess ‘coming out’ in my own way, that or just realizing that it’s okay to be gay. It is okay to be a lesbian, it is not a bad thing, it shouldn’t be looked at as a bad thing. It always surprises me the amount of people who are against lgbt relationships even my parents and family. It was then I started to question them when they questioned me, “how do you know your gay?” and I would question back, “how do you know your straight?” the answer is the same. I was born this way.
These are somethings that I’ve heard over the last few years coming out. Granted I am not that huge on “I’m Gay,” to everyone and tend to keep this to myself. Saying this I wanted to go over a few things that I’ve heard in the last few years of coming out that kind of make me face palm. These are stereotype questions but, here are some of my answers to them.
1.) It must be awesome to never have to deal with a man….
This kind of baffled me. The thought of a man actually seems way easier than a women. For example, two of all makeup products, hair dryers, clothing and don’t’ forget messes cause you know… we all make messes. Oh, and don’t forget the wonderful PMS of each month and the whole getting into little arguments over every little thing…
2.) So who is the man in the relationship….
No one, that is the reason I am a lesbian!!! You did catch the part about me being a lesbian right!
3.) How do you guys have sex….?
If you don’t know the answer to this… I feel sorry for your girlfriend… very very sorry…
4.) When I say a guy is cute, and someone goes “I thought you were gay?!”
So you remember that cute dog I posted to you in a text or one of those silly meme pictures… yeah same difference… Just cause I said it was cute doesn’t mean I want to now date it take it home to meet my parents…
5.) How do you know your gay?
Big questions for you here. How do you know your straight!? hmm.
6.) Have you been with guys?
For me yes, yes I have and all the time I never enjoyed it… I would rather look at a girl see a girl touch a girl then be around a guy. Granted I have lots of guy friends… it does not mean I want to marry them, fuck them or do things with them.
7.) Since you’ve dated guys are you sure you haven’t just found the right one?
The fact that I find their… important part to be disgusting… I don’t’ think so… as I explain it to my male straight friends it would be like you fucking your best male friend… gross right or for girls vice vs.
8.) If you like girls that look like boys, why don’t you want to date boys?
Common…. seriously. Points to question above this one…
9.) But you’re so pretty…
Um, thank you… I didn’t realize that being a gay meant that I was now ugly.
10.) What do you have against dick!?
Nothing… in fact lesbians are big fans of the D. It might be the thing its attached to… or the fact its not plastic.
11.) I wish I were lesbian it would be so much easier…
This one has me, you wish you could be like me… except you forget all the hate crimes, bullying, the higher suicide rate cause I’m not accepted, discriminations, the possibly of being hurt, religious persecution, and having to come out every time you meet a new person, threats of being disowned by loved ones, and having to answer all the questions above over and over again.
These are just some of the questions that come my way. I find it harder sometimes being that I am considering a femme lesbian. Which means I am very girly… If you look at me most people assume I am straight. This makes the whole thing harder sometimes cause guys will hit one me, say things to me try to get my phone number when in the end… I don’t want to be with them. I want to marry a women. I want to be with a women. That is what is going to make me happy!
I don’t really know what to write here. I have had some writers block for the past few weeks even looking at my personal journals I realize they are feeling a bit empty, maybe left out. I have thought a lot about life and how things are going, how things are changing, what I can and can’t do to change them. It comes to me that things some things can’t be changed. For those who don’t know I suffered from severe depression when I moved out of my dads house and finally moved out on my own. I will admit I felt like I had lost my support system. My dad had not supported the move, he had not even helped me pack.
I realize somethings about this that I didn’t at the time, my mind still stuck in the ways of a teenager (considering I still was one) that my dad, just as I am, is just a person. Coming up on the age of 25 you start to realize that you are your parents, that your parents would have felt the same emotions the same things as you are experiencing now and to even think that my parents had me at the age of 25 blows my mind.
You come across this view point, this amazing time that you realize you are your own person but you are experiencing the same life experiences of your parents. The famous unchangeable mile stones to life such as walking, talking and learning to eat solids. It is a strange thought to look at because we grow up and we always think of our parents (I did) as this authoritative creatures that knew so much about the world. Now I think my parents were just trying to make it through payday with food on the table.
I realize this is random, probably doesn’t make any since…. Well, then let me introduce you to my brain!
There is something to all of this, something that I have heard just recently and find to me amazing. A child is born of two parents and they look the part of both parents the child has brown hair from her father and blue eyes from her mother so on so forth. Then you get down to her personality and this is what amazes me. I grew up in a household that was not always the stablist and that did push my emotional mind set to be in one way. Something I did notices though (by watching my friends with kids, or just watching kids in general) is this amazing ability to choose your own personalities based on what you want.
Like parents who are stern and want things to go one way or another having a child who wants to be a rock star. A parent who, like I wish to be, a snuggler someone they are not afraid to come to but someone that they have respect for and trust for. I find it amazing that you have that ability that even though you look so much like the people that birthed you, you still have the option to be the kind of person that YOU choose to be. That you are you own individualist.
I didn’t really know what to put here so here you go. The random thoughts of my brain, the realizations of getting older. I hope to look back on this when I have children of even my children read this when they are older and find out that even though we are two different people we are the same in some ways. That there trails what they are doing, the things they look forward to seeing and doing with there lives are these wonderful milestones and I wish them all the best! That I am just a person who will try my best to do everything I can for them.
-deamon
There are many choices in life even if we don’t think they are.
When to smile, when to be sad.
What to eat for dinner? When to wake up?
I know some choices we feel that we can’t overcome them that they are mandatory. You are wrong though, we all have a choice. You have a choice to get out of bed in the morning or you have the choice to stay in bed. Now, I am not saying that there is not a consequence for those choice because if I you said that you would be lying in some kind of fantasy land but in the end everything you do is your choice. You can either give up on the world or you can keep trying.
I say this because in my life, things are hard right now. I have not been feeling well for weeks. My weight has dropped. I am in constant pain and some days I just want to give up. I had to make choices to get out of bed, go see the doctor, let my work know. These choices, although hard and challenging. I have overcome.
Today was my second long testing day with still no results, no reasoning, no information. I am overwhelmed and tired I will admit. My favorite thing to say is “to keep on smiling or I will start crying.” I think back on the post I have written on this blog and the hard times that are in it and I see this girl who I am choice to grow and become someone stronger and braver. Even if sometimes I go into my little ball, my little world. I come out of it just as strong and brave as I was going into it.
I don’t know what these test are going to say, how they are going to change my life. I do know this it is my choice to do what the doctors says, it is my choice to become braver, stronger, and to keep going.
It is your choice to keep going, and if I can do it you can too.
So there are many choices in your life, some hard some easy but remember this every choice you make will make you into the person you are today!
Deamon Days 